Ever feel like you don’t fit in with other moms? I’m a mom, but I don’t understand most “modern mom culture” topics. Here’s why.
Do you ever go to a birthday party or playdate and just feel like you don’t fit in? Or catch a meme on Facebook and realize you just don’t get it? There are just some topics that are really popular to talk about in modern mom culture. At least one of these inevitably comes up during every gathering, and I tend to stand there, awkwardly waiting for a new topic. I just can’t relate! These are some of the “mom culture” topics I just don’t get.
First up is the wine mom culture.
Ya’ll, I had no idea how big of a problem this was until recently, but when I searched “mom culture” on Google, every single post was about moms and wine.
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a glass of wine or two on the weekends. In fact, I love wine. It’s my drink of choice, and honestly, I’ll choose it over chocolate any day.
But, I also grew up with an alcoholic parent. The kind who would come home on his lunch break and get so drunk he’d pass out and not make it back to work for the afternoon. The kind who had me, as a young child, fetching beers from the fridge so he wouldn’t have to stumble over there himself and get it.
I promised myself a long time ago that I’d never fall into the trap of “needing a drink.”
But, this whole “mommy needs wine” message is all over the mom groups, and it makes it pretty hard to find a good balance.
Cups are being sold with phrases like “mommy juice,” or “mommy’s sippy cup.” There are memes about wine at play dates and needing wine to be able to cope with our kids.
Don’t get me wrong. On the surface, these memes are hilarious and relatable. I’m not an uptight mom, and really do enjoy drinking socially. It’s just that once I started paying attention to the real message behind them, it started to feel awkward and all too familiar.
I know I personally went through a stressful phase where I was drinking way more than I should. Most of us probably have. And this message just makes it seem normal, when in reality, drinking a bottle of wine a day isn’t.
We’re essentially promoting functional alcoholism, ya’ll. It’s a problem. And the minute I realized that was the minute those jokes stopped being quite so funny.
Next up, why are moms bashing their husbands?
Ya’ll. Husband bashing in modern mom culture is so bad. It dominates most conversations, and it’s really hard to be a part of.
Moms complain about their husbands not getting up at night with the babies. Or about their husband making a mess and not cleaning it up. So many things that I just don’t get. My husband is an adult and a parent, just like me. I absolutely refuse to be his parent, too, and he knows it.
Every time these conversations come up, I’m not sure how to respond. Do I mention that even though both of our kids were exclusively breastfed, he still got up nightly to help change diapers? Should I brag about how rarely I do laundry?
These moms would probably hate me if I started talking about how much my husband does, but the truth is, I don’t think I could be in a marriage any other way. The idea of a spouse who doesn’t pull his own weight is just so foreign to me.
What I want to ask when everyone starts complaining is, “why don’t you just ask for help if you’re not getting it?”
He’s a parent, too, right? The house, the kids, the groceries…those are all his responsibilities, too. You chose this together, and that means you do it together.
Sure, I handle more of it than my husband does, but I’m also here all day. When he’s home, though? He helps out a ton so I can either have some “me” time or get some work done.
Another big one: Hiding Purchases from Your Spouse
Okay, guys. I really, really don’t get this one. Do women actually hide purchases from their husbands? It seems like it, because it’s a huge topic in mom’s groups, on Instagram, and I even see it on business ads targeted to moms. “Let us know if you need us to add a card congratulating you on winning a giveaway!” I’ve actually seen this posted on business pages.
I just…don’t get it.
My husband spends money.
I spend money.
As long as it’s not a big, frivolous purchase, we both just do as we please. If it is a big, frivolous purchase, we discuss it together and make sure we’re both okay with it and that it fits into our set household budget.
I couldn’t dream of spending money and hiding that fact from my husband. To me, this is such a breach of trust. If I found out he was doing it, I’d be really hurt.
This goes back to my last topic about dads not helping. To me, marriage is about partnership. We’re equals and we work together. So, I just can’t relate to the idea of hiding purchases from my husband.
Finally, why the Working Mom vs SAHM wars?
Stay at home moms grumble about how hard they work, and how “easy” working moms have it. Working moms, in turn, balk over that idea and say they wish they could stay home all day.
Why does it matter? Is this really a competition?
Motherhood is hard. Period. It doesn’t matter if you have a job or stay home.
Yes, working moms get a chance to get out of the house and interact with other adults on a regular basis. They get to pee alone, and get lunch breaks.
Know what they also get? They get to sacrifice a lot of time with their kids. They get a hefty daycare bill.
And yes, stay at home moms are frazzled and feel like they never have time “off.” It’s taken until recently for me to get to pee alone and I don’t really get a sick day. I sacrificed a lot to stay home, both financially, and in terms of my own personal goals.
We’re all making sacrifices here. Every single mom I know sacrifices a lot to give her kids the best life she can. We’re all doing it differently, but that doesn’t make one way better than the other.
I always say that if you’re truly confident in the choice you made for your kids, there’s no reason to get defensive when these conversations come up.
I’m 100% confident in my decision to stay home with my kids. In the early years, I was 100% confident in my decision to breastfeed. And, when I lost my supply when my first was 6 months, I was 100% sure I was making the right choice by giving her formula instead.
Are you confident in the choices you’ve made for your family? If so, stop participating in these arguments! We should be lifting each other up instead of tearing each other down.
Who cares who has it harder? Do you get a prize for having a worse life? Is there a trophy for the group that made the most sacrifices?
I’m a mom who doesn’t understand modern mom culture.
As someone who doesn’t want to bash my husband, lie to him about my spending habits, or compete over who’s more stressed out, it’s hard to join in the conversation sometimes.
There are a lot of times I go to events and stand there awkwardly while these topics come up, and it’s pretty alienating.
Do I talk about how I stopped drinking regularly during the week because I was feeling like crap? Should I bring up how my husband and I share a credit card and we both have access to the statement? Regale my woes of running our entire household budget, even though my husband makes most of the money?
No one else would relate, I’m sure. And that’s okay. Because we don’t always have to fit in or agree with every popular mom topic.
You can still be a cool mom even if you don’t relate to every aspect of modern mom culture.